This blog will be mostly dedicated to writings about the rave, drug, and technological subculture of the future.
The End of the Spectrum
Posted 6.8.2008 at 2:32 pm by Psilo
Everything I do in life, I do too much of.
It both gives me life, and takes away from it, and in the end it's going to be what both preserves me and destroys me.
Whether it be school/studies, working, partying for days on end (with both drugs or no drugs involved), playing games, using the internet, thinking, or debating... I do them all a lot until I become as proficient as possible.
The yin-yang symbol of my life is more like a stretched out balloon than a circle, ranging from the most extreme values of each side of the "good" and the "bad" sides of life. I often state that I am a bad person for what kind of persuasion I've sometimes had on other people who can't handle attempting to emulate the kind of pressure I put on my body every week of the year to move forward as fast as possible. And it's true, maybe I am bad in some ways. But at the same time, I feel there is an equal "light" side rested in my soul and that I'm not a person who is innately negative in any way and would never hurt someone on purpose.
I feel God and the Devil battling inside of me almost every day. I am attracted to evil things and prefer the darker and more obscure (occult?) side of life that is hidden from the public. Black is my color, White is my enemy. But why do I feel that way? Is it some sort of shamanistic values in my blood ranging from tens of thousands of years ago during the age of pre-history humanity? I don't know, but something inside is a swirling mass of chaotic war and peace. I'm not confused about myself one bit. I have my entire personality down and I'm so comfortable with myself these days that almost no situation makes me feel out of place or confused.
Will the excessive strenuous lifestyle I put on my body kill me someday?
I exercise a lot but I also eat a lot of food and a lot of chemicals.
I fly from one side of the 'positive' spectrum to the other side of the 'negative' spectrum in a matter of a split second decision.
And then I laugh about it and continue to go further with it.
It's still all vague to me, despite how well I know myself and how grounded I am in my own brain.
Only time will tell the long-term reprocussions of living such a high-speed and unstoppable lifestyle. I can't slow down.
It both gives me life, and takes away from it, and in the end it's going to be what both preserves me and destroys me.
Whether it be school/studies, working, partying for days on end (with both drugs or no drugs involved), playing games, using the internet, thinking, or debating... I do them all a lot until I become as proficient as possible.
The yin-yang symbol of my life is more like a stretched out balloon than a circle, ranging from the most extreme values of each side of the "good" and the "bad" sides of life. I often state that I am a bad person for what kind of persuasion I've sometimes had on other people who can't handle attempting to emulate the kind of pressure I put on my body every week of the year to move forward as fast as possible. And it's true, maybe I am bad in some ways. But at the same time, I feel there is an equal "light" side rested in my soul and that I'm not a person who is innately negative in any way and would never hurt someone on purpose.
I feel God and the Devil battling inside of me almost every day. I am attracted to evil things and prefer the darker and more obscure (occult?) side of life that is hidden from the public. Black is my color, White is my enemy. But why do I feel that way? Is it some sort of shamanistic values in my blood ranging from tens of thousands of years ago during the age of pre-history humanity? I don't know, but something inside is a swirling mass of chaotic war and peace. I'm not confused about myself one bit. I have my entire personality down and I'm so comfortable with myself these days that almost no situation makes me feel out of place or confused.
Will the excessive strenuous lifestyle I put on my body kill me someday?
I exercise a lot but I also eat a lot of food and a lot of chemicals.
I fly from one side of the 'positive' spectrum to the other side of the 'negative' spectrum in a matter of a split second decision.
And then I laugh about it and continue to go further with it.
It's still all vague to me, despite how well I know myself and how grounded I am in my own brain.
Only time will tell the long-term reprocussions of living such a high-speed and unstoppable lifestyle. I can't slow down.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Hunter.
Its been quite a while since I have spoken to you. I have to say you are one of those people who will always be respected because of your intellect. However, I wouldn't expect you to be so pessimistic about your decisions in life. In my opinion, everyone in this world has an addiction, and that is completely normal. The addiction isn't always drugs, it could be sex, eating, TV... I think your addiction is knowledge, and you wont be satisfied until you have learned everything. And that is what makes you, YOU! A unique individual in this surreal world where everyone is striving for normalcy.
I know you get it. And I know you have a good understanding of how the world revolves around you. I can see your outlook on why you might think your actions and persuasions may be negative. But there's no harm done. People are going to do drugs weather you influence them or not. But not everyone will have the privileged of having been influenced by one who's motivation is self enlightenment, one who studies the drugs and their effects on the body, one to teach how to practice in a safe and sane manner.
You remind me of Timothy Leary. An intellect. An outlaw. Loved by many. Hated by many(im sure the parents of whoever you have influenced hate you without even knowing you). But he will always have a legacy in our history.
The end of your tidbit brings to light this entire blog. It sounds like you are worried about what you are doing to your body/brain. Your at that age where your frontal lobe is maturing and now your beginning to look to your future. Naturally your concerned and it seems as though you want to slow down. But you state that you can't. Why? I know you can, and I think you know that you can.
Ask yourself why you can't stop. I felt myself in the same situation you are in, but at a younger age. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I still wish I was livin it up how I used to. I stopped simply by moving away from So Cal, it was against my will but it happened, and as a result I have slowed down. I'm in a healthy and happy place right now. I still self medicate, but all that party hard garbage is in my past(glad its in my past, and don't regret anything). I still dont think anything is wrong with a phychedelic experience on occasions, i think its healthy to take on a new perspective every now and then to keep me out of a simple minded bubble.
I rambled on in your blog. Mostly because I see a lot of myself in your writing. I'm confident that you will make some good decisions in your future, whatever they may be. Hit me up, especially if your ever traveling to N. Cal. Take care and peace brotha.Posted 22.8.2008 at 6:56 am by Adrian
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Replying to this is a challenge. I have a great deal of respect for an individual of your high intellectual capacity. I have read A LOT of what you have written. You have taught me a lot of information that would have otherwise gone unnoticed and ignored. I suppose this is partially a thank you.
However, calling it a thank you limits it to that fundamental value of thanks. That it is not.
You see, the reason why I write this is because after reading this, I felt... Fear?
Possibly, but I don't believe it was that.
Fear is something that creeps behind doors that are closed and dares us to open it. Fear is a beast of shadows that lurks behind our paranoid psychotic states of mind, and tempts us into insanity.
I don't believe it was fear that I felt.
But I will call it that.
I feel "fear" because I completely relate to this. I have had these thoughts. I have heard myself ponder these same things. I have sat alone and watched the wall of my room grow dark a miserable and listened as despair sucked at my soul, draining me of my immortality that I once believed I had, and questioned these sames ideas. I have looked through this kaleidoscope of chaotic nonsense through both ends, and have still come to no conclusion.
I am in constant battles between my sanity and that of some destiny that I suppose I need to fulfill. My sanity, is kept through the use of drugs. My destiny I have unfortunately lost track of.
I would say, that you are many steps ahead of me on this journey toward enlightenment or whatever it may be that we share in common on this twisted path of nonsense and confusion. However, it makes me wonder where I will be once I am your age. I am 16. I worry about how far I have pushed my self. I know it is too far. But how much too far? And to what extent must I traverse in the opposite direction to shift these scales?
I hope you find this to be somewhat relative to your experience. I haven't found any others who I can honestly say have been where I am at. I know there must be, but where?
If you are curious to what extents I have pushed my mind and body, I would be glad to tell you. I have been considering writing down as much as I can remember of my journey so far anyways. It would be a hefty task, but a necessary one as well.Posted 17.9.2008 at 12:14 am by mikethekoala
