Jason and I were the epitome of happiness for 3 years. We thought of ourselves as soulmates, compatible in every way. We shared one soul, and could speak for hours on end with no lull in the conversation. We’d laugh, we’d cry, we’d joke. We first found each other on an internet site. We began to correspond through emails and phone. When we first contacted each other, I made the biggest mistake of my life, although didn’t even realize it then. I told him I was the same age as him, which was 33. Truth is, I was 12 years older. I don’t look my age, look much younger, feel young at heart, and have more in common with Jason than any other woman ever has. I know this was a terrible mistake in not telling him my actual age, but I honestly felt I had so much more in common with him than men my own age, be it music, lifestyles, personality, etc. In the beginning I didn’t think to tell him my actual age, because I didn’t think it would have progressed into something serious, because of the distance of 600 miles between us.
We became closer with every passing day. We’d spend hour upon hour talking, sharing everything. And ultimately falling in love. I knew I had to tell him my correct age as soon as possible. I needed to look into his eyes and do it in person. As time went by, and we spoke of our plans for the future, and meeting, etc, I knew there was no turning back. I loved him so much, as he did me. So while we planned for our first meeting, things kept happening to delay it. My brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and during this time, my dad needed my help. Eventually, the big day came for our long awaited in person meeting.
I knew I had to tell him the truth about my age when I saw him. I also knew I should have told him ages ago, and there was no excuse for me not doing so….other than fear. You see, I never knew such an all-encompassing love before in my life. And he had so many wonderful plans for us to be together for always. And in being so clouded by my love - so blinded that I couldn’t even think logically - I made the biggest misjudgment in my life by not telling him at the start. But things progressed so fast, we fell in love so fast…I was so afraid of losing what we had. I was always completely open and honest about everything with him - yet couldn't tell him my age. I feel TERRIBLE about myself now, and even though I couldn't see what the results of my consequences were at the time (love can cloud your senses to the point of irrational) I'd give my right arm, if only I could go back and change what happened, and had been truthful about my age from the very beginning. I love him more than words can say, and would rather hurt myself over and over than to cause him one moment of pain.
The day finally arrived, and we shared the most incredibly beautiful & blissful weekend. He was never happier, I was never happier. He spoke of me moving in to live with him permanently in a few short weeks. I knew before I left for home, I needed to tell him my secret. I was set to tell him, but that’s when the bottom dropped out. You see, I met his parents, and unbeknownst to me his (very overprotective and controlling) mother was discussing me with him. I later learned (from Jason himself) that his mom said to him that I look older than he does, and was he sure I was telling him my correct age. Apparently Jason defended me to her, but she persisted. Jason, being close to his mom, was pushed into doing something at her suggestion. He said he did this just to prove to her she was wrong, and so she’d drop it once and for all. So what did he do behind my back? He searched through my purse, and found my ID on my driver’s licence. And that was how he learned my true age. I feel he should have confronted me with his suspicions, rather than listen to his mom and search my things. We both made big mistakes. Mine with much worse consequences.
Meanwhile, he didn’t confront me with this new found revelation of his, instead, he kept up the pretense that all was normal, because I was leaving that morning. I sensed something was bothering him, as he seemed so detached now, and really down. He just said he didn’t feel well. So for some reason, I didn’t get a chance, because he was feeling so poorly, and I put off telling him on my own. I figured I’d go home and tell him in two weeks when we got together again.
When I got home, he called me in tears, telling me all that happened and how he’d found out. Long story short, he was devastated. He told me all his plans were now reduced to ashes. At first he felt I betrayed him for not telling him my age all that time, and there was a trust thing. After I explained why I couldn’t right away - out of fear of losing him - and how I planned to in person, he said he came to understand my reasons. He said he didn’t blame me. He told me loved me same as always and always would. HOWEVER, he also said, he realized we could never be as we were, and so he couldn’t remain in the romantic relationship with me now. Meanwhile, his mom sent me a ‘poison pen letter email saying how she’d never forgive me for the hurt I caused her son. That he couldn’t eat or sleep, he was so devasted, and he can’t stop crying, etc. She also had the audacity to butt her nose in saying that age DOES matter, and I should go to some ‘older person’s group’ to find someone else!! She went on to say he deserves a younger woman who’d give him children. She then said that the woman her son loved was now dead. Her email was so hateful…and hurtful. Jason sort of brushed it off, saying “:Ya have to know my mom, she’s way overprotective”…and the only thing he did in my defense, was tell her not to interfere in his situation. I was livid at his mom’s nerve and interference, yet I didn’t reply to her, and I eventually dropped it.
So here’s the way it ended up. Jason was devastated and at the lowest point of his life. I felt totally responsible, and it was killing me to know that I caused the man I love more than life itself an ounce of pain. I feel absolutely TERRIBLE about myself now, and even though I couldn't see what the results of my consequences were at the time (love can cloud your senses to the point of irrational) I'd give my right arm, if only I could go back and change what happened, and had been truthful about my age from the very beginning. I love him more than words can say, and would rather hurt myself over and over than to cause him one moment of pain.
Jason called me the next day in tears, saying he couldn’t ever imagine losing me from his life. He told me he would always love me, the feelings in his heart had never changed. But he also said, his logic told him it just wouldn’t work out. So basically he decided we needed to remain in each other’s lives, and still speak daily, and be close as ever. Because our connection has always been so incredibly strong and undeniable, I too knew I couldn’t imagine life without him.
We speak every day. We joke, we laugh, we share our lives…we even reminisce about our beautiful weekend together sometimes. He gives me every indication that he thinks of that often. And everything remains the same, except for one thing…we are no longer a romantic couple obviously. And he’s free to move on (although so far he hasn’t met anyone else, he says he doesn’t feel he ever will) and I’m in the same boat.
While it’s painful to simply be ‘close friends with an uncanny connection’, it would be unthinkable for both of us to sever our ties. We just couldn’t. So we continue to talk every day, and it’s been all good…except for this longing for him which won’t die. I guess I can’t understand this: if he says his heart has not changed, and he still loves me, why then does he not want to be with me, why can’t we build some kind of future together? I feel so inadequate, like I was not good enough for him, because of age…as his mom seems to think. and although he’s reassured me that I am “way good enough” (his words) and that it was never a question of that, but simply that he feels the age difference would be insurmountable, I still feel inadequate. I know I made the worst possible choice by not telling him my age immediately - and it cost me dearly. But there’s no undoing that now. Believe me, I would if only I could. But I just can’t understand why, if he still loves me as always, in his mind it’s “not black and white’, and things are changed forever. If his heart still feels that special love as he claims, why won’t he want to give us a try? Being afraid to open yourself to vulnerability or build walls, (as he is doing) is no way to live. And while I’m thankful he’s remained a close part of my life, it still hurts and feels so strange to suddenly be his ‘ close friend/soul mate with no romantic intentions’. I'm unhappy most of the time. I know he is too. I can hear it in his voice, although he tries to put on a 'happy front'.
I just comprehend why if he loves me as he says, won't he at least give it a TRY, and see if we could possibly work things out, rather than throw his hands up, and say "It's final".
Life's too short to have regrets later, right? But then my mind also tells me, even if he is still in love with me, perhaps love is sometimes not enough. I'm so confused. And hurting terribly.
I've already been raked over the coals for the terribly misguided mistake I made, by others I've confided in, and I appreciate and respect everyone's thoughts. Believe me, if only I could do it over, I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately I can't. But what I could use right now, is a non judgmental way of sorting through this, so if you can offer something helpful/constructive, in the way of advice/insight, I would appreciate that a lot. Thanks in advance.